WE MUST HAVE OUR SAY: Government now moaning they've not had a "right of reply" on the sexing-up claims - despite there being Alistair Campbell everywhere you bloody go for the last week banging on about his side of the story. Really, we must stop silencing people like this.

 
OR MAYBE GOOGLISM CAN HELP: We've run Saddam Hussein's name through googlism - hey, stuff found on the Internet counts as Quality Intelligence in Whitehall, remember - and, setting aside the responses that don't give a location, we've found these facts out:

saddam hussein is breeding deadly viruses deep underground in secret laboratories
saddam hussein is visiting a school
saddam hussein is receiving a whole lot of attention
saddam hussein is going to stay in his underground bunkers and look darkly at each and every officer who sits at his table
saddam hussein is not among the hundreds of world leaders gathered for the millennium summit this week in new york

So, he's in a school's secret laboratory somewhere under the ground. And not - emphatically - in New York. It might seem simple, but we've just discovered more about his whereabouts in two minutes than the 'coalition' has in a couple of months.

 
MAKE THE CHEQUE PAYABLE TO WARTICKER: Since they're offering twenty five million bucks for the whereabouts of saddam hussein (and that doesn't look in anyway desperate, does it? And it'll work, too - cynics thought the massive bounty for Osama Bin Laden would turn out to be a meaningless, empty gesture cooked up by an administration that had fucked up, let its target escape into a mysterious netherworld and had no idea if he was alive, dead, or had been raised to be a superior being by the Powers That Be) we decided we'd throw our hat into the ring for the big cash prize. We've studied the US search for the weapons of mass destruction, and have discovered Saddam as a result:

Saddam Hussein has been slipped over the border into Syria.
Or maybe
Saddam Hussein was dismantled shortly before the war
Or perhaps
Saddam Hussein is still in Iraq, but it's a big country, the size of France, so it'll take a while to find him
Or perhaps
Saddam Hussein was in one of those "Weapons Factories", which aerial photography proved to actually be fronts for Presidential Palaces.

Yeah, we haven't actually got a clue or any evidence. But since that's meant to satisfy us in the US' and UK's claims about the existence of the weapons, surely it'll do for the hunt for Saddam as well?

Do we have to pay tax on the prize?

 
YES, HE DOES APPEAR TO HAVE CHALLENGED IRAQIS TO KILL AMERICANS: It seemed extraordinary, but that seems to be the gist of this Bush speech:

"There are some who feel like that the conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is bring them on. We've got the force necessary to deal with the security situation."

And, remember: if you keep their dogtags, you can swap them for prizes as you leave the fairground.

 
WHITEHALL REVISIONISM: There's an interesting foray into the meat of the Downing Street Dodgy Dossier here, where a spot of poking the original word document reveals the hands that mixed the Horlicks, as it were.